Hopefully someone out there will read this and get back to me. Hopefully they'll have been through the same thing. Hopefully they'll know what to do.
I'm starting to fall back into a deep depression and it's all because I can't figure myself out. We've all known for a long time(well, people who've been around me longer than two minutes anyway) that I'm lesbian. For quite a few years now, I've been thinking it's more than that. For a few years now I've been thinking "What if I was supposed to be a guy?" This thought has done nothing but get stronger to the point where I've actually been trying to research my options for FTM therapy, treatments and surgery in Florida. Of course, being a conservative state, it's pretty hard trying to find the solutions I think I need. There's hardly any support groups(closest one on the meet-up website is in Orlando, about 85 miles away @_@ ), fewer doctors to do the surgery, and I'm finding no luck in a therapist OR doctor with specialties in the areas that I would need. Then, of course, comes the question of money... How in the fuck am I supposed to pay for all of this? The government is just gonna look at me and see a single white female with no kids and a job to support herself and turn the other way to support the married black female with five kids and neither parent has a job to support a single one of those bodies. Call me a racist, but I see it every day. No one who really deserves it is getting the help that they need. It all falls on the people who chose baby-making as an out instead of lifting a finger to try and set their lives on track.
Ok, so that was off-topic, but it really pisses me off. I can't afford the health insurance I need because it's been run up and used up by the people who LEAST deserve it! I can't go to a doctor or a therapist about all this that's confusing and hurting me because I can't afford health insurance. Fuck, I can barely afford to feed myself, and I want to go through hormone replacement treatment that will cost more than my cigarettes will! And I can barely afford those! (And looking at my mental health record and my family's mental health record, it could actually land me in a hospital or a grave from a complete nervous breakdown/suicide attempt to quit smoking. So stop telling me to quit. I know it's not really an excuse, but every time I hear "You need to quit smoking" from someone, it makes me want to have another. Remember, nicotine is the reason you people are all still alive. I'm looking especially hard at *you,* CUSTOMERS.)
With everything that's going on(new feelings, new home, finally being out on my own, new outlook on an old relationship), this is just that one thing I'm finding very difficult to handle on my own. I need help. I need support, I need friends, but most of all I need understanding. I'm so afraid to tell my mother about this. Even more afraid to tell my father. They're finally used to the idea of me being gay. I don't think they could handle "Guys, I love you and everything, but I physically want to be a boy." Both of them suffer from high blood pressure, and I don't want to be the one who sends them to an early grave...
What I really need right now is someone or some group I can be physically present with. If you are reading this and know of someone/thing in or around(20 miles or less) the Gainesville, Florida area, please let me know. You would think that the home of the University of Florida would have more things of this nature going on.
Side note: Is it sad that there's about 30 different emotes that accurately describe how I'm feeling?