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Alexis69

Alexis
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Had a lot to think about these past several weeks.

I regret how things went down. How you didn't let me get a word in edgewise. I hate that you've tried to turn *my* friends on me. People I've known from childhood.

Stop with the games.

I'm right here, and I seriously hope you're reading this. You know my number. You know my e-mail. Hell, you know practically everything about me. I'm giving you the chance to come forward.

The ball's in your court. What's your move?
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Hopefully someone out there will read this and get back to me. Hopefully they'll have been through the same thing. Hopefully they'll know what to do.

I'm starting to fall back into a deep depression and it's all because I can't figure myself out. We've all known for a long time(well, people who've been around me longer than two minutes anyway) that I'm lesbian. For quite a few years now, I've been thinking it's more than that. For a few years now I've been thinking "What if I was supposed to be a guy?" This thought has done nothing but get stronger to the point where I've actually been trying to research my options for FTM therapy, treatments and surgery in Florida. Of course, being a conservative state, it's pretty hard trying to find the solutions I think I need. There's hardly any support groups(closest one on the meet-up website is in Orlando, about 85 miles away @_@ ), fewer doctors to do the surgery, and I'm finding no luck in a therapist OR doctor with specialties in the areas that I would need. Then, of course, comes the question of money... How in the fuck am I supposed to pay for all of this? The government is just gonna look at me and see a single white female with no kids and a job to support herself and turn the other way to support the married black female with five kids and neither parent has a job to support a single one of those bodies. Call me a racist, but I see it every day. No one who really deserves it is getting the help that they need. It all falls on the people who chose baby-making as an out instead of lifting a finger to try and set their lives on track.

Ok, so that was off-topic, but it really pisses me off. I can't afford the health insurance I need because it's been run up and used up by the people who LEAST deserve it! I can't go to a doctor or a therapist about all this that's confusing and hurting me because I can't afford health insurance. Fuck, I can barely afford to feed myself, and I want to go through hormone replacement treatment that will cost more than my cigarettes will! And I can barely afford those! (And looking at my mental health record and my family's mental health record, it could actually land me in a hospital or a grave from a complete nervous breakdown/suicide attempt to quit smoking. So stop telling me to quit. I know it's not really an excuse, but every time I hear "You need to quit smoking" from someone, it makes me want to have another. Remember, nicotine is the reason you people are all still alive. I'm looking especially hard at *you,* CUSTOMERS.)

With everything that's going on(new feelings, new home, finally being out on my own, new outlook on an old relationship), this is just that one thing I'm finding very difficult to handle on my own. I need help. I need support, I need friends, but most of all I need understanding. I'm so afraid to tell my mother about this. Even more afraid to tell my father. They're finally used to the idea of me being gay. I don't think they could handle "Guys, I love you and everything, but I physically want to be a boy." Both of them suffer from high blood pressure, and I don't want to be the one who sends them to an early grave...

What I really need right now is someone or some group I can be physically present with. If you are reading this and know of someone/thing in or around(20 miles or less) the Gainesville, Florida area, please let me know. You would think that the home of the University of Florida would have more things of this nature going on.

Side note: Is it sad that there's about 30 different emotes that accurately describe how I'm feeling?
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I'm finding out who my real friends are. I've been told that I'm a bitch by several people, but after I've asked how I'm a bitch, I get little to no reply. After asking for a simple "thank you," I'm realizing that some peoples' prides are worth more to them than friendship. I'm down two friends because of it. I regret nothing that I said, as it was all truth. All I have to say is that I feel sorry for how things went down.

And so, I sit at home, broke and confused. I've been told in the past that I'm too internal with my feelings, so I tried to be more vocal. Yeah, that didn't go too well. I guess one could say that I'm bitter about this whole ordeal, but, after analyzing the situation and asking a few of my friends what they thought, I now believe that I am well within my right to be bitter and that I was also right in the situation. Or at least, the least hypocritical.

If "you're" reading this(and "you" know who you are), I'm sorry, but you did tell me to me more open about how I feel. Now that I've done that(and all that I wanted was a simple "thank you," which we can now add an apology to that), all I have to say now is that I am truly upset over this, that you would do this to me. I understand that I've done some things to you in the past that have hurt you pretty badly, but you have to understand that this time, I see nothing that I did wrong. If you would still like to talk things out, I suggest that you take several days to carefully think this situation over, and maybe look at this through my eyes. If you still feel as though I treat you like shit, even though I take you out as often as I can, even though most of the time I feel like you take me for granted, then fine. Maybe I'm better off. If not, please don't hesitate to contact me again. I'm off Sunday if you would like to meet up, and I do get paid on Thursday. If my schedule allows, perhaps I could meet you somewhere before Sunday.

Once again, I'm sorry for how things turned out, but I'm not sorry for what I've said. You told me to express my feelings more often. If this is how you'll treat me when I do what you've asked of me, then... Well, that's just it... I don't know.
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Just a head's up to anyone who actually pays attention. Sometime yesterday, someone that was not me(as I was at work) tried logging into my account. Check your passwords, people. Make sure they're strong enough. Once someone gets your e-mail password, they can get any of your passwords.

Just remember that there are people out there who just want to cause trouble. Lucky for me, I'm one of those paranoid people. As for the person who tried to log into my account yesterday: I'm watching you. Let me catch you, I guarantee you won't like it very much.
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THE RULES: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen albums you've heard that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends (or more), including me, because I'm interested in seeing what albums my friends choose.

1  Beautiful Garbage - Garbage

2  Dookie - Green Day

3  One Time For All Time - 65daysofstatic

4  Miyavism - Miyavi

5  Uroboros - Dir En Grey

6  Diabolos - Gackt

7  Worlds Collide - Apocalyptica

8  You Could Have It So Much Better - Franz Ferdinand

9  Sixteen Stone - Bush

10  Licensed To Ill - Beastie Boys

11  Discovery - Daft Punk

12  Demon Days - Gorillaz

13  Meteora - Linkin Park

14  The High End Of Low - Marilyn Manson

15  Absolution - Muse

There are so many more that I could list, but I had to kind of pick and choose. I would tag just a simple fifteen people too, but most of you know that I LOVE music and sharing music. If there's something you haven't heard on my list, I suggest you give it a try!!! So I tag all of you! Go forth and make music!
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